Story Time! My past year: Part 6 Finale

This is not a good ending to a story, or maybe some of you will see it that way. Things had changed almost dramatically when I returned home. Danielle welcomed me back, and she had brought her ex-now-not-ex-boyfriend with her. My mom was there. There were so many people. I remembered I had always thought Keith would show up to welcome me off of the plain. I don’t know how I could be so ignorant.

Well, he wasn’t there, and that night sucked. Everyone just went home, and then I went to my home by myself. I realized right then that I was alone.

I had accepted an AmeriCorps state/national position in the town where my college was so I did have work, at least. Keith asked if we could meet, at least to return each other’s things. I had some stuff that I had bought on my journey to give to him. I don’t really know what I expected, but it was awkward. He came over, and I could tell he just wanted to leave. I could feel the change within him. He was distant. He talked to me for a little bit, then he gave me my stuff. He walked out of the door, and he left everything that I had bought for him on the table. That’s when I stooped to my low level. Now, as I think about it, this was the point that things changed within side me. This is the moment I lost my confidence.

I remember my heart dropped, and then picked up and RACED. I was panicking. I tried to message him on social media, and I looked through my phone for his number, but I had deleted it. I texted Danielle hoping she would respond fast enough so I could call him. It was too late. I told myself I went through that panic because he forgot his things, but really I just wanted to have an actual heart to heart about what was going on. I missed that chance. I tried to contact Danielle. I wanted her to come over. I knew it was a little late, but it wasn’t too late. I was a crying mess. This was the first time I had ever had my heart broken. I needed someone. Literally anyone. Because I was hurting. Danielle said that she didn’t have gas money, and I knew that had never been a problem before. I would always help pay, or if it were her crying and heartbroken I would find a way to get to her. She said she couldn’t with a lame excuse, and I knew that it was because she was back with her ex. It made everything more painful. So, I cried there in my living room with no one else around. Not because I pushed them away, but because they just didn’t want to be there anymore. Things were different.

This was a while ago, so my memory is a bit messy. Keith and I did text once he wasn’t driving anymore, and I asked if he wanted to meet up. I asked if he wanted to try a relationship now that I was back. He told me that we could go on a date, and that he didn’t know anymore. He said he could base a decision on the day we went out. This is where I should have said, “No. I can already see the decision is made. You can’t make up your mind, and that tells me a lot. Let’s go our separate ways.” But I didn’t. My head couldn’t rationalize his thought process. How could he go from telling me he missed me, and crying, and being this hurt guy that wanted me to be with him TO a guy that didn’t know anymore? It didn’t add up to me. We decided to meet on that next day.

I think I tuned out many of these memories of our end because it just hurt me too much to think about it. I can tell there are a lot of gaps in my memory when I think back to it now. I know that after that decision I couldn’t just sit in my apartment and cry all night. So, I went to my friend Shane’s. It was nice being around friends again. I told Shane what was going on with me and Keith. The next day I left from Shane’s and went to the fraternity house to meet Keith. He said he had eaten already, which sucked because we had already planned on getting food. And I hadn’t. When I got there, it was really weird. The other regular boys were there playing Fortnite in the living room. I said hey, but it was such a weird vibe. I knew something was off. I tried to keep up conversation, but it was just too sad.

Keith and I left and went to KFC because I was hungry. We both ate and kept up small talk. We left and went to this little creek behind campus. We got out of the car and skipped rocks, and we talked about more serious stuff. I was on the verge of tears the entire time. The entire day, really. I asked him what he wanted to do. Why he was so weird, and what had changed for him. He tried to ask me questions, but my throat was so tight from holding back tears. I couldn’t answer him most of the time. He called me “Pinto”. Which was our pet name. He did try to touch my arm and comfort me, but I knew he didn’t want a relationship anymore. I became the distant one then. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. I asked what were the pros and cons of the relationship. He just kept saying he felt bad. He even said that his GRADES went down when we were together. Like that was my fault. He wouldn’t say the pros. I think because he had tuned the good memories out in the time that I was gone. Eventually, I just said I should take you back. So, we walked back to the car. Once we were in. I asked, “What do you want to do? I need a final answer from you.”

He said, “I don’t think I can do a relationship right now.” Then I said, “Okay.” I put the car into drive and started driving him to his new dorm room for the semester. I couldn’t say anything more than okay because I knew I would start bawling. It almost felt like the drive to the airport. I couldn’t speak, and silent tears were falling down my face.

I don’t think we really talked much for the ride. When we parked and it was time for him to get out. He stayed in the car. I wanted him to go because I knew I was about to break. He looked over at me with pity, and said, “Pintooo.” The way he always said it. His voice was low, a little sad. I told him not to call me that anymore. Then the flood gates broke again. I just started bawling. He tried to comfort me again, but I didn’t react to his touch. I might have even pushed his hands away. He kept asking what he could do, and I told him “nothing” and that he should leave. He said he wouldn’t leave until I stopped crying, but I don’t think he understood that I couldn’t as long as he sat there with me. Not because he loved me, but because he felt guilty and pitied me. He asked if we could still be friends, and I told him “No” many times. But he finally got me to agree to keeping him added on snapchat. I calmed down a bit, and finally he got out of the car, saying “I’m sorry” for the 100th time.

I watched him walk away, and I cried. I don’t know how long I sat there. I know I ended up driving around and crying a lot more. Turning on my Sam Smith – Thrill of it all Album and crying to the perfect heartbreak songs. That was our end. We are still not together.

A few weeks later I told Keith we couldn’t be friends. I didn’t know how to act around him. It was impossible to not want to get back into the motion of touching him when I saw him or call him “Pinto”. So, I sent him pictures of some old letters I had written him, and I deleted him from all social media platforms.

In the coming weeks I went to the doctor, and I started taking medication for depression because that’s what I fell into. I didn’t have my best friend or my boyfriend anymore. I felt alone. I relied on Shane through this time. He was a good friend, and I was friends with his roommates, too.

A month in, I started to feel a little better. I think it was around later September. I was still upset about Keith, but I was going through the motions. I got used to the rotation of work and visiting my family or Shane. I even agreed to go on a date with Shane’s cousin, Rick.

The day of mine and Rick’s date was the day of a festival near campus. I had agreed to help work a stand there with my co-workers. This was a hard day. I was working the stand when I saw Rick holding hands with another girl. I tried to hide myself, but my heart sank. Although I didn’t have an emotional attachment to him, I was excited for the date. I spent that morning making my hair and makeup perfect. I picked out the perfect outfit for the date. Once they had walked past and I saw them leave, I sent him a message saying, “I cannot go on a date with you tonight, but fortunately for you. You can continue the one you were on today.”

Taking all this into account, my day was not going the best. Then I saw him. Keith. He was walking down the street of vendors. Holding a girl’s hand, and it looked like the girl’s mom was with them. It hit me like a dagger in the heart. I saw them at a distance, and they were heading in the direction of my booth. I immediately felt a numbness take over my body. I guess my body was protecting itself. I was helping a little boy color at our booth when they got close. Keith and I made eye contact, and I simply just gave him a small smile and a small wave. He acknowledged it with a head nod, and moved on. We didn’t talk at all, but I won’t forget the shock that took over his features when we made eye contact. His face went through many emotions right there, but I saw it go from shock, to guilt, to sad, then to a mask.

I was hurt, but that it what happened. I didn’t have much interaction with him after that, until I went to one of the fraternity’s parties later on. Where I said hey to him, and he gave me a pitying look and asked, “How are you?” I just said, “I’m good. Pretty good.” I knew right then that I never wanted to see that look from him again. I didn’t want to be looked at like that again. I didn’t want his pity anymore.

Advertisements

Story Time! My past year: Part 5 of 6.

My time in AmeriCorps is so odd. I remember going through the motions but feeling empty. Keith and I called the night I arrived because he wanted to talk to me. He said he was crying and sad. It just ended with both of us sobbing.

Eventually, we went back to talking the way we always had. He would message me saying he missed me. My friends said that he was miserable. That he was just so sad all of the time. Danielle said that they sobbed the whole way home from the airport.

He would still call me BB, and keep talking to me like we were still together. I sent him gifts. We wrote each other a letter. Things started to look up a bit for me. I started to feel better. It was almost as if we never broke up, but being away from him still hurt terribly. Eventually, he was the only one I could talk to. That’s when things went bad. Danielle just disappeared off of the face of the earth. All I had left to talk to was Keith, and I could tell he was starting to get a little distant. He said he was just sad, and that no one was talking to him anymore. I told him to message Danielle, and that she would definitely talk and hang out with him. He said that he was trying, but she wasn’t messaging back or giving him short responses. It was the end of July when I learned that Danielle had gotten back with her ex. He was very controlling, and that explained why she wasn’t talking to me anymore or anyone really.

July 31st was the day me and Keith ended. It was so sad. I was so caught off guard. I mean, I had felt him becoming a bit distant, but he was the one that would text me saying he missed me. He was the one that would call me BB and ask how everything was going. So, when he said that he couldn’t do long distance and that it was too hard, I fell apart. I didn’t sense that he wanted to quit. He told me that he would want to try again when I got back, but I knew that that was wrong.

I took off my work for 2 days. I told my team that I was sick, when in reality I was just crying in my room. I had never been broken up with before. I was always the heart breaker. I always lost the feeling first. It really was the worst feeling. I deleted him off of social media because I couldn’t handle it. Of course, I added him back. Over time, I saw him in pictures with other girls. I saw him having so much fun, and I was miserable.

In August, I learned of some problems at home. I learned that my sister was having pregnancy complications, and that my childhood home was being foreclosed on. I made the decision then that I needed to just come home. I needed to be with my family, and this was my way out. So, I called my boss, and we set the date. I would come home on August 17th, 2018.

Story Time! My past year: Part 4!

It took a lot of convincing to get Keith to agree on titling us as boyfriend and girlfriend. This should have been my warning, but there were so many mixed signals. He treated me like a girlfriend. I went home with him. His parents and grandparents sent me gifts. We spend every day together. He came to my home. All of these things just scream relationship. So why couldn’t he just accept the title?

We had 3 or 4 nights where we had the same conversation over and over again. I told him that I couldn’t talk to him if he couldn’t agree on it because it hurt too much. He would cry because he was so torn on what to do. I wish I would have opened my eyes at this point. I should’ve saw that I was a girl forcing a boy to be in a relationship he wasn’t ready for, but I was so set on not repeating my situation with the Indecisive Boy. He finally accepted, and for the next few months it was pure bliss. We had our moments. He would let me down. I would let him down. We needed more space sometimes, but we clung to each other because we knew our time was limited.

We had went through so much together. I was with Keith when I found out my grandma, who I cherished dearly, had stage 4 lung cancer. I was also at his house 2 months later when she passed away. I had never experienced something so traumatic with a partner. He left a mark for that one. I still get torn up that he will be the last boyfriend I had to meet such a beautiful soul. She was a huge influence on my life, and he got to see that influence.

It seemed like no time before it was time for me to leave. My leave date was set for 2 days after my graduation. Those days went by in blur because there was so much going on. I had a goodbye/graduation party, then graduation. I also helped Keith move into his new fraternity house. It was exhausting. We didn’t really get alone time until the night that I was supposed to leave, and even then Keith had an internship trip that morning. So we didn’t get to cherish that night. We just went to sleep. Woke up at 3am to make it to my flight. I had been accepted to AmeriCorps Sacramento, California campus, and I had a long journey ahead.

That morning at 3am still makes me sick to my stomach. I dreaded my alarm going off because I didn’t want to leave. I remember gathering my stuff together, and waking Keith up. Danielle, my mom, and my mom’s boyfriend pulled up to my apartment to take me to the airport.

I walked over to my sisters apartment where I hugged her goodbye. She was pregnant, and I knew I was going to miss the birth of my first nephew in my year of service to AmeriCorps. I remember the exact moment it hit me that all of this was real, and that I was leaving everything I loved behind. It happened when I went to hug my niece goodbye. I picked her up in my arms, and the pure sorrow I felt hit me like tsunami. I started bawling with her in my arms. I told her I loved her through tears and that I would see her again real soon.

I packed my stuff into the vehicle, and we were on our way. My mom drove and her boyfriend sat in the passenger seat. Danielle was in the seat behind the passenger side, Keith was in the middle, and I was behind the driver side. I usually would have sat in the middle, but I couldn’t do it. I needed to be able to look out of the window and let my tears flow. We joked a little, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I felt so torn, and it all seemed like I had made the wrong decision to leave as we made our way to the airport. I was reconsidering everything as I looked at my support system in the car.

I remember it was hard for me to talk. Keith was holding my hand and rubbing it. He had tears in his eyes, and he looked at me questioningly. I just shook my head because my throat was tight. I knew if I spoke then I would break even more. I just sat there looking out the window and at the people I loved with a steady flow of silent tears falling down my face. Keith was just rubbing my hand and looking out the window most of the time.

I considered throwing a tantrum when we finally arrived to the airport. Just have a full mental breakdown so they would say, “Oh. She wasn’t mentally fit to do AmeriCorps. She had to stay home.” My mom’s boyfriend stayed outside, and the rest of the car made their way in with me. When we got to the security check they could no longer proceed with me.

We stood there for a long time. I procrastinated and joked with them. I didn’t want to walk through the line and leave them. My chest felt so hollow, and my throat was burning from how tight it was. When we went to say goodbye is when I lost it. I don’t remember who I hugged first, but I was fine. Then I got to Keith. I just looked at him, and a tear was already falling off of his cheek. That’s when the flood gates burst open. We took each other in our arms, and I was a mess. So was he. I had to re-hug everyone because I needed them to know that I was trying to hold this emotion back from them. I remember hugging Danielle. She was a crying mess, too. Honestly, everyone was. This was basically the first time I said, “I love you” to Keith. I looked at everyone, but he was the last one I looked at when I said, “Love you, bye.” That was the last thing I said, then I turned and got in line for security.

They all stood there as I went through line. As I went through the check, and then when I started going up the escalator. I remember them all waving as they disappeared from my view as I descended to the floor above. I almost cried the whole time. I cried in between flights. On the flights. On the way home.

I just remember thinking. Wow. I’m single now. I wrote in my diary to put the emotions somewhere. I was mourning. I was grieving. I was sad that I would miss hanging out with my best friend over the summer. I was sad that I would eventually fade form Keith’s mind. I was sad that I wouldn’t see my niece grow up that year, or that I wouldn’t see my nephew’s birth. I was sad that I left so fast after my mamaw’s death. I didn’t get time to actually grieve for her, just for all of my other losses.

It is easily one of the worst days of my life. I have never felt so hopeless and constrained. I was doing it to make my family proud at that point because if anyone would have asked, I would’ve told them that the idea of AmeriCorps didn’t seem so much worth the sacrifices anymore. Everything hurt.

When I got to the campus in California, I couldn’t even really appreciate it. It was already dark. I legitimately met my roommate, then went and cried in the shower.

I began to extremely regret my decision. I had never felt such a depression hit me so full force. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused, hurt, and dreading the next year. I couldn’t see the bright side.

Story Time! My past year: Part 3

That night was definitely something to remember. The chemistry wasn’t exactly the same as it had been that night. Things weren’t as smooth or natural as they had been. I remember one time I actually crawled away from him then he pulled me back. LOL. It was definitely tiring.

He wasn’t really what I thought he was. Keith was on his phone a lot, but there were some things that made me feel good. Most of the night I was just ready for him to leave. There were a lot of aspects that I did like, though. Otherwise I would have just told him to leave. We laid together and watched a stand up comedy on Netflix. We went to my local pizza place and ate together. He LOVED his calzone.

Then he left early that morning. For some reason, even though the night didn’t go the way I thought it would, I kept messaging him. I still liked him. I told him the next day that I liked it, but that some things were definitely going to have to be different.

The new semester began, and everyone moved back in. He came over to hang out one day, and he literally annoyed the fuck out of me. I couldn’t wait for him to go back to his room. But something still pulled me to him. Even though he annoyed me, I liked his charisma. I thought he was funny. I even told him once he left that he annoyed the hell out of me and that he was too much.

He took it in stride, and said that he could tone it down a bit. After that we spent a lot of time together. I went home with him one weekend and met his family. We spent almost every night together. We grew attached so fast. I think it was because I just wanted to feel wanted, and he was lonely. We both wanted to feel wanted, and we just happened to fit each others need. It came to a point where I wanted a relationship because we were already doing things that a couple would do. I wanted one, and he didn’t. So I gave him an ultimatum. Either he could be with me, or we wouldn’t be anything at all. This was cruel of me. It was cruel because there was one thing I didn’t tell you all, that both me and him knew from the very beginning.

The one thing that I didn’t share with you all is that what we had was meant to be doomed from the beginning. The thing that I didn’t tell you was that the whole reason I had turned him down the first night was because I couldn’t get into a relationship. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I applied for a program called AmeriCorps NCCC. This program required you to leave for an entire year and travel the country. I wanted a relationship, but I knew it was better to not get attached to someone just to leave.

Yet, I did get attached. I wanted a relationship with Keith, and I forced him to choose. Be in a relationship with me until I leave in 4 months, or leave and don’t talk to me at all.

This was something I regret heavily.

Story Time! My past year: Part 2!

After that party, I went back to my room with Danielle, and went to sleep. I believe he did try to talk to me after that on snap. I would snap him a little, but I wasn’t really invested, and he wasn’t either.

So, the semester ended. The holidays sucked because I knew I would have to see Indecisive Boy (he was a family friend). I felt pretty shitty, honestly. I didn’t want to feel like I meant nothing. I let Indecisive Boy make me feel like nothing. So, I went to someone who might have more interest. I don’t know what night it was, or what made me decide it, but I messaged Keith one night. Danielle stayed over (she basically lived with me), and she went upstairs to go to sleep. I stayed up and talked to Keith. I don’t really remember what we talked about, but I know we jumped around.

I have knack for asking people a lot of really random questions when I want to get to know them. The first is usually always, “Do you like roller coasters?” This is a very important question to me, and I basically judge a persons entire character off of their answer (I’ll probably make a post about that logic later). I don’t really know what kind of questions I asked, but I know we stayed up super late talking. I know that it wasn’t PG-13 talk, either. We got a little dirty, and I actually enjoyed it.

We talked a lot, and I am pretty sure we set up a date to meet the next day. We said we would meet up on December 15th. It was the first thing that made me feel good in a while. I had never done anything like that before. So, I was nervous. It’s not like me to meet up with someone, and the intention wasn’t to just “hang out”. We had made some very specific, kinky plans.

He made me feel good. Confident, even. We talked so much in that time. He actually listened to me. The closer it lead up to December 15th, the more nervous I got. I didn’t know him that well. I mean we had talked almost non-stop on snapchat, and we had GREAT physical chemistry the night of the Bad Santa party.

December 15th came. I remember how nervous and excited I was. I was jittery at work all day, and I even took off early to go get ready for it. Hell, I went to a sex shop. What the actual hell, right? I was looking for a nice pair of fishnet stockings. He said he really like the large hole fishnets. Unfortunately, I didn’t find any that would fit. BUT I did end up buying some chocolate mints that numbed your throat. I bought lotions and soaps that smelled really good. I went all out for it. I think it was my way of trying to calm myself down.

I got ready, and I looked cute. I had bought a Santa Claus dress from walmart (to represent bad santa), and I had found some tights that kind of looked like fishnets.

We had set for him to show up at 7pm. I was ready early and I just walked around my apartment for what seemed like forever. Then I got a message that he was there, and my heart jumped out of my chest.

He didn’t waste anytime at all. As soon as I opened the door to my apartment things happened fast. It was almost all in one motion, he shut the door, threw his stuff on the ground, and then picked me up. He PICKED ME UP. I am not a skinny person. I way almost 200lbs. Then he CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS. He threw me on the the bed, and the night began.

Story time! My past year: Part 1.

Let me tell you a story. Around December of 2017 I was at a place where my confidence had taken hit. I experienced my first rejection from a boy I had liked for almost 6 years. It wasn’t an easy rejection. It was a long, drawn out rejection by a boy who couldn’t make up his mind (now, I realize that his indecision was a decision, and that I should have just let go). I will go into his story more later. I feel like it has some good lessons, but right now is not his time. The story I am about to tell might help some of my readers understand all of these past posts on my blog.

Anyway, in my rejection, I was sad. I wanted someone to fill the gap that was opened after my 6 year pursuit ended. So, I started to talk to a boy (we will call him Keith). Keith and I had met at a mixer in November between my sorority and his fraternity. I didn’t think much of him, then, really. He even snapped me that night, and I let him know upfront that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he said that he wasn’t either, and that the next time we were at a party we should dance together. That was it. We didn’t talk the next day or the day after. Unfortunately, the next party I went to I avoided him like the plague. I was still being drug along by the other guy who couldn’t make up his mind.

Then came the Bad Santa party. Now, I was still going through a rejection. It wasn’t final yet, but my confidence was taking hit after hit. Bad Santa was the last party of the semester, and I went with my BEST friend. You know we hype each other up. I sent a message to the Indecisive Boy. He replied once then ghosted me. That being said, it put me in a “No fucks given” mood. I turned into my Bad Bitch persona. I wanted to feel wanted. If that meant obtaining that feeling at a fraternity party, then that’s how I was going to get it.

Me and my best friend, Danielle, walked into the party. I had purposefully drank a little more that night. I’m not a big drinker, and even when I do drink most people think I am sober. We were having a good time. I distinctly remember the moment I saw Keith. I looked at Danielle, and I said, “Oh. Keith got a haircut.” Danielle said, “Who?”. I said, “Keith, the guy I was supposed to dance with at the last party.”

Things became a little bit of a blur. Danielle and I had matching dresses on. Instead of looking Christmas, we looked like witches. They were black, velvet dresses with a high neckline that had the upside down triangle cut out between the neck and chest. We were lookin’ cute, I guess. I was definitely feeling myself, and I was having a good time with her. I remember that Keith finessed me into a dance. It wasn’t really that hard. I welcomed it.

This wasn’t just a regular dance. This was a full on sex-on-the-dance-floor dance. He pulled my hair. His hands pulled at my dress. At one point they pulled it up a little too far, and I grabbed his hands and gave him a bitch stare. He put his hands in the air, as if saying “my bad”. We continued dancing, if that’s what you wanna call it. We definitely made out a few times, and Danielle, being the good friend she is, did the Bathroom thing. You know, like when girls are like, “I have to go pee, but I need you to come with me” just to save their friend from whoever they are with. Well, we talked it over, and I was making the decision to be with him. Not because I was drunk, but because it felt nice. I liked the up-front demeanor after being tossed around from Indecisive Boy.

So, we go back out from the bathroom and continue to dance. Danielle and I took many bathroom breaks throughout the night, and I continued to dance with Keith. I had a lot of fun at the party. It still is kind of a blur to me, but I remember the important parts. Most of it was just dancing the night away.

When the end of the party was near, Keith got close to my ear and asked, “What are you doing tonight?” (Given it was already 1 or 2am).

I don’t really know what came over me. We were still dancing, and he was behind me. I turned around to dance with him face-to-face, and I looked him in the eyes and said, “Not you.”

What the fuck is moving on, and why does everyone seem to have an opinion on it?

Now that my heart and my head are basically in line, it is time for my body to catch up.

I went out to lunch today on campus. I met up with some friends. I even looked really cute today because I have to film a video for work.

We are having a good time talking, and then you pass by my table. I wish I didn’t notice, but that wouldn’t be like me. I like to sit with my back against a wall so I can observe a room. I am a people watcher. So, of course I notice when you pass by. It’s at a distance, but you were in tie dye. And now my eye catches on tie dye shirts because that’s what you wore most. So to me you stood out.

My mind thought, “Ew.” That was a first. Usually it was a fake “Ew.” Just me trying to convince myself that I was over you. But today I felt it. It was like an “Ew, look what you have become. Now when I see you, you remind me of how I let myself be treated poorly by others, myself, and by you.” For once, I didn’t regret our breakup when I saw you. I just pitied you.

Unfortunately, my body went into full panic mode. My physical heart started to race, and I got nervous. I couldn’t really stop it. I guess this is going to happen for a while. I’m sure it will die down eventually. I don’t really know what my body is afraid of.

Then I saw your girlfriend, and my heart beat quickened even more. I felt my body get hot, and a flush took over me. It was a mix of anger, nerves, and I don’t really know what else. I just knew that if anything this was a minor panic attack.

I kept telling myself that if I am having this reaction then I haven’t really moved on, but I need to stop analyzing. I need my friends to stop saying, “You haven’t”. I need the encouragement, and I need them to stop doubting me so I can stop doubting myself. For some reason, I knew I was over you. When I looked at you. It was a confirmation. No, I may not be over the situation going on now, but I didn’t have a single feeling of wanting you back. You are a stranger to me. A mean, boyish, immature stranger. The pedestal has been knocked out from under you by your own girlfriend.

Your true colors have shown, and it has been the best thing for my progression. Was it painful, and did it take an awful situation for me to realize the pedestal was gone? Yes. Does it feel good? Hell, no. I will admit that it sucks. Just like losing that whole group of boys that I loved so dearly. It sucked. I don’t know why anyone would feel good about finally losing the feelings for someone you once loved so dearly. I don’t know why it is encouraged in movies and books. What the hell? Why can’t I feel this? And why do people always tell you that you aren’t moving on?

NO. I am moving on, and just because I am still upset about it doesn’t mean I am not making progress. So, stop telling people that. Start supporting them. Some people will read this right now and think, “This girl is in denial. She wouldn’t be writing this post if she had moved on. She wouldn’t care.” Well, I say to you. You don’t know me. Maybe some people can do it that way. Move on. Not care. But to me, those two things are not the same thing.

I care about a bond deeply, and I truly hate to see them break. It is hard for me to let go. And when I do let go, people try to tell me that I haven’t. I CAN let go, and I CAN be sad/angry about it. I can do both. I want people to stop telling me what they think I feel, and I want them to start encouraging me to show my feelings. Not make me feel embarrassed when I come clean about a moment like this. If someone tells you they have moved on. They are telling you in confidence, and they are telling you to hear your support. They don’t want to hear your “Know-it-all” remark. Remember it is their feelings, not yours.

Now, I will tell EVERYONE. I have moved on. I have moved on from the hold that that person kept on me. I have moved on from the feeling of longing that once ripped through me. I have moved on from seeing them as the sun. I have moved on from thinking that they were the only one for me. I have moved on from asking myself over and over again, “What went wrong?” “What can I do to get them back?”. I have moved on from telling myself, “It’s just a phase.” “They’re just rebounding.” “If it’s meant to be then they will come back in time.” “I can’t wait for the day that they come back and I reject them.”. I have moved on from all of these things. I HAVE MOVED ON.

I still feel sadness when I look at them. For the connection that was lost. I still feel betrayal when I see my once so called “friends”. My body still shakes when they walk past. I still get nervous in their presence. I still wonder what their future will be like. Even though I still experience all of these things: IT’S OKAY. It doesn’t mean that my progress is halted. It’s okay to keep telling myself I have moved on. It’s okay to doubt myself and if I really have sometimes. All that matters is I know that I have moved on. Whether I have the support of others or not. I sincerely have. No matter the circumstance behind why I did. It happened, and now I am going to let myself feel this. Feel everything. One day, I will look at them and feel barely anything but nostalgia, but if someone tries to tell me that I have to wait until that point to have “moved on” then you need to stop pushing your reality onto other peoples. Because you aren’t them, and you don’t know their process. So stick to what you know best, yourself, and stop trying to make everyone you.